Weary and Burdened

I’ll be honest, it’s been a hard month. Actually, maybe a hard couple of months. My heart has been heavy. Heavy from missing my mom. Heavy from broken relationships. Heavy from change and transition. Heavy from the circumstances of life.

But I would guess (and secretly I hope) that most people they wouldn’t know that I have been hurting. Some people can read me well, but I put on a mask. I behave in the ways I want to be perceived. And then inside I feel like a fraud for not being transparent with my heart.

It feels like a paradox to feel such heaviness yet also truly be grateful to God. My soul knows the goodness of God, but sometimes my heart does not see it. I know that God is faithful, but it’s been 456 days since I’ve been hugged by my mom, 70 days of a new season that has been hurting my heart, and 9 days until I leave for a missions trip in Africa.

Today as I contemplated these things, I was reminded of church on Sunday and the heart of God. In the book of 1 Kings, the story tells of the kings after David and how they fell short. It opens with Solomon’s reign and then downfall. Then Israel splits into two, the Northern and Southern Kingdoms (Judah and Israel). Because of the evil kings, prophets were introduced to challenge the people to follow God. Elijah was a prominent prophet who went head to head with King Ahab and his wife Jezebel from the Northern Kingdom. Ahab and Jezebel instituted worship of baal. Elijah defeats the prophets of baal when God answers his prayers and baal does not answer. Right after this event is where we will look. Elijah had just destroyed the false prophets and then heard that Jezebel wanted to kill him. Despite his victories with God on his side, he ran and hid. While he was hiding in a cave God came to him and asked him what he was doing. He was not being obedient to God but was acting out of fear. His fear caused him to only see the dark side of his circumstances. But God in His mercy revealed Himself to him. Elijah witnessed an amazing demonstration of the power of God through wind, earthquake, and fire. Then, after the fire, there was a still, small voice. God's voice was not in the wind, not int he earthquake, and it was not in the fire.

God revealed himself to Elijah where he was at in the way that he needed, which encouraged Elijah’s faith, and spurred him to be obedient to the Lord. It does not take huge displays of glory for God’s spirit to be at work. The Gospel of Grace is gentle and loving.

I am reminded of Matthew 11 (and of church this past Sunday).

Verses 28-30 says, “Come to me all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” ESV

In the NIV Jesus says, “Come to me all who are weary and burdened.”

I am weary and burdened. Far too often I believe the lie that because I follow Jesus I must have it all figured out. I believe that I still have something to prove to other people, maybe even to Jesus. I believe the lie that Jesus died on the cross for some future version of me that is deserving of his forgiveness. Belief in these lies is why I pretend like I am not hurting.

When I truly live in the grace of Christ and the peace that his forgiveness gives to me, the messiness of my life circumstances fade to the background. My heart is still heavy. I still want to be seen as put together. But I know that Jesus has met me where I am at.

His death on the cross was not for put-together not hurting Megan, but was for sufferer and sinner Megan (insert your name).

He sees me, knows me, and desires that I would follow Him and his ways. It doesn’t mean that on Earth I will get it all together, or even avoid pain. But I am comforted by His character and steadfast faithfulness.

He has saved me. He is making me more like Him every day. And one day I will be in His presence and be able to witness His glory.