The Individualistic "Ideal"

The past three months or so I have been considering the community I have in my life. I have read half of the book, Find Your People by Jennie Allen, which addresses a person's need for deep community and talks about how to build community. I started reading this book right around when my two best friends from college moved away (one moved about 2,000 miles away and the other moved about 5,000 miles away). I knew that with their absence I would need other friends, but as I said... I did not finish the book that was supposed to help me build connections with others. Over the next months I did not make more progress. The book was good and helpful, but two things happened: I tried one of the exercises and was met with failure; and somewhere in my heart believed (/believes) that I did (/do) not need the deep and meaningful relationships the book described.

Fast forward to about two weeks ago. I have not "replaced" my absent college friends and found deep meaningful community. Amongst getting ready for a trip to Africa, I did experience brief community through my family, coworkers, Bible study table, and church family.

On one of our last flights before arriving in Liberia, West Africa, two people on the trip were discussing the differences between American individualistic culture compared to other group-minded cultures. Individualistic cultures focus on prioritizing an individual's needs and achievements over that of a group. The opposite, collectivistic cultures prioritize the needs of a group (harmony, social cohesion, and well-being). Simply put, cultures that are individualistic prioritize the "self" while collectivistic culture prioritize the "we" of a group. My teammates were talking about how in the States no one cares deeply about each other or prioritizes the needs of others before themselves, but in cultures like in Africa (and other places), they have a deep sense of interdependence, shared responsibility, and loyalty for one another. They talked about how collectivism seemed superior because of the innate community it cultivates.

I perceived the discussion between my teammates as romanticizing the ideals of communism and was silently disagreeing with them. I knew that there was beauty in the communal living in collectivistic cultures (whenever I tell anyone about why I love Africa, it usually involves a love for the people and their deep inherent care and love for one another); but I would see it as a different way of life, a way of living that I was not willing to adopt. This goes back to my pride of wanting to live my life privately (see one of my previous blogs, Weary and Burdened, to read more of my heart in that regard).

My trip to Africa challenged my previous thoughts on collectivism and community in two different ways.

Firstly, I got to spend time in community with a team of people for 10 days. Talk about deep relationships! Prior to the trip I would say that there were 3 out of 15 people that I knew well, and by the end of the trip it felt like I knew each person deeply, though to varying degrees.

After what felt like a long time of isolation, it was both challenging and refreshing to spend so much time with others.

Travelling. Doing ministry. Playing games. Talking. Making jokes.

There was one day where we travelled 12 hours on a bus across the border from Liberia to Sierra Leone. We turned in our seats to make a circle and played card games, word games and riddles, and talked for hours. I haven't experienced such prolonged closeness like that since living in the dorms at Corban University.

Such closeness also brought up our differences. Silly things like playing Go Fish by different rules and also differences in our backgrounds and the way we think.

Secondly, I was struck in a different way this trip by the togetherness of the culture. While in Moyamba, one of my tasks was to take updated pictures of some kids that go to the school and church. We had printed the old pictures and gave them to the church and school leaders. They went through the lists of kids and either went to go find the kid or told us about where the kid was now. They knew fairly intimately not only about these kids, but also about each other. With each person we met they told us a piece of their story and their life, to show them honor. It was such an honor for us to be allowed and invited to play a role in their lives.

Each time we went somewhere new we would be welcomed with worship and dancing and simple togetherness. It felt like a taste of Heaven - joy, unity, and love. Without Christ, we would have no bond with others, but in Christ we become a family. It feels so special to be unified as brothers and sisters in Christ. Not only are we unified in being made in the image of God, but we are also unified through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit in us.

I am reminded of the early church and the fellowship and unity they experienced. Acts tells us of a collectivist mindset of believers in chapter 4:32, "Now the full number of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own, but they had everything in common."

Romans 12:10 instructs believers to value the needs of others over their own needs when it says, "Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor."

In other epistles from Paul, he speaks of the family of God and how we are to contribute by using our gifts, bear each other's burdens, and to be unified (1 Corinthians, Galatians, Ephesians). I think even of how Paul utilized the support of the early church for his missionary journeys.

We are meant to be in community with one another. And if none of the previous passages and concepts from the Bible convinced you, think of the Trinity. God himself is consistently in relationship (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) and we are made in His image. So, we were designed to be in relationship.

On one of the flights home from Africa, I watched one of my favorite movies, In the Heights. The concept of the movie is that everyone in the movie has a dream and is trying to follow their dreams. They all are following their dreams on their own, but as the movie progresses, they realize their dreams are sort of intertwined with each other's. In the last song, the main character decides that instead of leaving to follow his dream, he would stay to follow a version of his dream with his community.

He says,

"I found my island

I've been on it this whole time, I'm home (we're home)

It's a wonderful life that I've known

Merry Christmas, you ole' Building and Loan

I'm home!"

Each time I watch this movie I cry. I am starting to think that it has something to do with the community that the movie depicts...

Every Thanksgiving we watch the movie It's a Wonderful Life (which is mentioned in the lyrics just before!). George Bailey gets to experience community on a deep level and sees the way his life had an impact on others, just by doing life together.

I'm starting to realize that I am missing community. That I feel lonely. I thought that I could be the individualistic American that can live her life mysteriously and alone, but I don't think that is what we're wired for. Though it is how we are tempted to live. We listen to the lies from the Devil that tell us that we are alone and that we deserve to be alone.

After returning from my trip I had the opportunity to be vulnerable with a few people who are close to me. I told them of some of my current life struggles and how it is hard to deal with. I told them that I don't talk about them with others very much. I told them that I don't want people to know about my life circumstances. It was hard to share some of these things, but it was healing too. I started to feel like I was not alone.

To be honest, this feels more like a emotions dump rather than a put together blog post. Maybe it is a bit of both.

I do not have all the answers.

I do not know how I will meet my need for deep communal relationships.

But this is how I will start, with a recognition of my need.